Today I am Allowed to be Sad

Today has been a rather strange day.  I have done the usual Sunday washing and a very small bit of housework.  The rest of the day I have just sat on the couch and bounced aimlessly around the internet.

Nothing seems to interest me today.

Writing an article for the local news site didn’t happen.  Making a Christmas video to encourage local residents to get to know their neighbours didn’t happen.  In fact, nothing really happened apart from me going to have a hot bath and then lying in my bed for an hour.

My intention was to go to the supermarket so that I was stocked up in case of any more bad weather in the run up to Christmas.  Instead I did the shopping online to be delivered tomorrow.  Along with the shopping I was going to do some baking and write an article about that to suggest that people bake Christmas cookies and take them to an elderly neighbour who may be alone.  That obviously didn’t happen because I didn’t get the shopping today.

I am presuming it’s because subconsciously I am grieving for my cat and therefore, I am going to let this happen.  Today shall be a day of feeling sorry for myself and for my cat, mourning her loss and repeatedly telling myself that I did everything I could.

Any of you out there who have had to get the vet to put your pet to sleep know what I am talking about.  For me this was the first time and it seems I am not very good at accepting that it needed to be done.  My sensible head tells me it did, but my guilt trip is still huge and pretty much a big black cloud over me today.

Tomorrow there will be no option but to get myself up and out to work.  No more wallowing, back to the more frantic pace of phone calls and emails.

Today however, I will allow myself to be sad and to miss that furry bundle that used to lie on my keyboard if she felt I spent too much time on my computer.

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